A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.