*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.