Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.