{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
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The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
True freaking story!
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
o shit
as is their right
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*