ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
So, can we agree on 4 or
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.