I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.