learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Deer are just ballerina dogs
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
checking out some reviews of my local library
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today