No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore