Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
my fav colour is also hitler
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.