millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
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In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope