[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
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David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Meanwhile in Canada…
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.