Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
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Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
pls suprot
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.