Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*