A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.