Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
wut hotdog?