For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
You Might Also Like
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I missed you with all my darts
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Finally
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside