Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
You Might Also Like
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
some things should go without saying
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Friday night party time 🥳
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare