There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?