Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
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Expect the unexporcupine.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
this is what they would have looked like, though
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*