Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
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[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
man: wait
time: no
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year