On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
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[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.