I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that