STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
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If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?