Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Haha! 😂
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“I FIXED IT!”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to