God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
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I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I think we should hear other voices.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.