Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.