Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
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my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.