being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Breaking news:
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors