Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
You Might Also Like
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Cannot stop laughing at this
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.