if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me