Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
You Might Also Like
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!