Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I WON A HAM TODAY
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
yall want some gasoline milk
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler