Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
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Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.