Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.