Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
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Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.