IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
You Might Also Like
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: