ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
How dude HOW?!
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.