One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
You Might Also Like
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Close call…
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*