‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
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Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
how much for the angry fruit?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.