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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
What an awful time to have common sense.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that