me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
tell em, edith-anne
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
My birthstone is kidney
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Just parrot things
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.