Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Air conditioning – not a fan
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.