Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Stop it! 😂
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Holy moly
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards