Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
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This guy gets it.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.