Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This week’s mood.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”