yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
describing stardew valley
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”