God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
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The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.