COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
let’s discuss
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Smile Twitter, Smile.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
“What movie?” 🤔
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?