Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person