Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
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Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Carpe DM
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Merica.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?